Contents 1 The Boringest Store in the World 1 2 We Want Chocolate Cake 9 3 Pedal Power 14 4 Going Green 22 5 Goo-Goo Gah-Gah 30 6 English Is Weird 37 7 Mr. Granite Goes Overboard 44 8 The World’s Biggest iPod 55 9 Tattletales 63 10 The Truth About Mr. Granite 70 11 My Teacher Is an Alien 77 12 Sad, Sad News 83 13 Saying Good-bye to Mr. Granite 91 About the Authors Credits Cover Copyright About the Publisher
1 The Boringest Store in the World My name is A.J. and I hate school. Do you know which months are the best months of the year? July and August, of course! Because there’s no school over the summer. YAY! The only problem is that now it’s Sep- tember. 1
BOO! Bummer after the summer! School starts tomorrow. So my mom said we had to go to this store called Staples to buy back-to-school supplies. Ugh! Staples is the boringest store in the history of the world. They don’t sell video games or toys or any cool stuff. They just sell pens and pencils and ultraboring junk like that. My mom had a list of things I had to get for third grade. After we found the bor- ing book covers, boring binders, boring colored pencils, and boring glue sticks, I wanted to get a pen with a laser beam in it. Laser beams are cool. I saw this movie where they used a laser beam to kill aliens 2
from outer space. But they don’t sell pens like that at Staples. They do have one cool thing—a copy machine. Copy machines are cool because you can put your head on the glass and make a funny picture of your face. It only costs eight cents! But you have to be sure to close your eyes or you’ll go blind. I stuck my head in the copy machine and closed my eyes. I was reaching for the START button when I heard the most hor- rible sound in the history of the world. . . . “Hi, Arlo!” Ugh! It was Andrea Young, this annoy- ing girl in my class with curly brown hair. I hate her. Andrea calls me by my real 3
name because she knows I don’t like it. I took my head off of the copy machine. Andrea was with her mom, who looks just like Andrea but with wrinkles. “Are you buying back-to-school sup- plies too, Arlo?” Andrea asked. “No,” I told her. “I’m skydiving.” 4
When somebody asks you a dumb question, you should always give them a dumb answer. That’s the first rule of being a kid. “I would never put my face in a copy machine,” said Andrea. “Why not?” “Because I’m one of a kind!” Andrea said. “You should put your face in a paper shredder instead,” I suggested. Andrea rolled her eyes. Why can’t a copy machine fall on her head? My mom and Andrea’s mom were talking about the weather. Grown-ups are really interested in weather. Nobody knows why. 5
So I was forced to talk to Andrea. “Which do you like better, Arlo,” Andrea asked, “this notebook with a picture of kittens on it or this one with elephants on it?” “Do they have a notebook with a pic- ture of elephants stomping on kittens?” I asked. Andrea rolled her eyes again. Our moms said we could play around on the office chairs for a few minutes while they talked about the weather. “Let’s pretend we’re grown-ups working in a real office!” Andrea said. I sat at one of the desks and picked up a fake telephone. 6
“Send over a million dollars!” I barked into the phone. “NOW!” “Where’s my coffee?” Andrea shouted. “I’ll die if I don’t have coffee!” “You’re fired!” I barked again. “Get out!” Pretending to be a grown-up is fun. “I need to file some reports,” Andrea said, and she rolled her chair over to a big filing cabinet. When she pulled it open, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. A head popped out! “G’day, mates!” the head said. “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” we screamed. It was Mr. Granite, our new, third-grade teacher! 7
2 We Want Chocolate Cake The first day of school is the worst day of the year. But the nice thing is that third graders are allowed to ride their bikes to school. I rode with my friends Ryan and Michael. After we locked our bikes to the bike rack, we were told to go to the all- 9
purpose room for an assembly. The teachers were sitting on the stage, and they were all wearing green T-shirts that said “P.A.L.” on them. Mr. Klutz, our principal, was up there too. He has no hair at all. I mean none. Mr. Klutz was wearing a green shirt, too, and his head was even painted green. Mr. Klutz is nuts. “Is it St. Patrick’s Day?” I asked Neil Crouch, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. “St. Patrick’s Day is in March, dumb- head,” said Neil. “So is your face,” I replied. After we finished pledging the alleg- iance, Mr. Klutz went to the microphone. 10
“Welcome back to Ella Mentry School,” he announced. “I want to introduce the new members of our staff. This is Mrs. Jafee, our vice principal. And this is Mr. Brad, our school counselor. And over here is our new third-grade teacher, Mr. Granite.” The three of them stood up. Everybody clapped. I waved to Mr. Granite. I knew he was going to be my third-grade teacher because I’d met him on the beach over the summer. I even saw him yesterday at Staples. “We’re wearing green today to show that Ella Mentry School cares about the environment,” said Mr. Klutz. “This year we’re going to use less energy, create less 11
waste, and help the planet. The program will be under Mr. Granite’s supervision.” “Wow,” I whispered to Ryan. “Mr. Gran- ite has super vision! That means he can see through walls!” “You returning students know I like to challenge you,” Mr. Klutz continued. “So 12
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